“Here’s a single girl’s secret…the reason you eat dinner with a man on the first date is so you know how he is going to fuck you. A slob who gobbles down the meal, & never looks at a bite, well, you know not to crawl into bed with that guy.”
Lost.
Is responsibility supposed to be this agonizing of a feeling? I just think I have a problem with analyzing urgency. Or maybe I am just so narcissistic& entwined with this concept of living that I want to have but I can’t mentally or financially support it, so in the process I push myself harder to gain these things that I assume will fill me with fulfillment, or atleast make me feel slightly significant. Maybe it is just me, and maybe I just can’t handle it, but I feel like the inner turmoil I am dealing with on the expectancy of me being a sufficient adult, and the struggle between wanting to be a bit childish& wanting to explore my outer surroundings is a bit overwhelming some days. In a way, I feel like I already failed, but in reality, I can’t put my finger on what it is that I think I lost.
You.
When I meet you, I think many things.
I don’t hear your voice, in a sense.
I am dreaming of you, capturing you in false scenarios.
I imagine everything we will never do, and hope it stays that way.
I will wonder if you see my flaws, and if you are scrutinizing my blemishes.
I wonder if you notice that I notice yours, & I wonder if you even care that I do.
I wonder what you would look like, in my bed, when your head thrown back,
Eyes shut tight, mouth wide open.
I wonder what you think of me.
I wonder if you can hear how echoing my voice sounds,
or the way I trip over my words& speak fast when I am nervous.
I wonder what our life would look like.
I wonder where you would fit in my plan if you would stay around.
I wonder what it would be like to never see you again.
I hope that I don’t.
I wonder if you can see me losing focus,
If you can see my dreams in my eyes.
I wonder if you are really even there,
Or just a obstructing piece of matter.
I wonder what the music in your head sounds like.
I wonder if you are better than me.
I already know you are.
I watch you eyes for the moment when you want me to leave.
I disappear, the perfect prose.
I wonder if you had a nice thought about me.
I know it isn’t true.
I wonder if you will forget about me.
I really hope you do.
